Summary: She is broken in so, so many ways and Deanna just wants to go home.
Pairing: Light Fem!Dean/Cas
Spoilers: Up to Season Five Episode "The End"
Disclaimer: Don't own Supernatural, of I did Jess would have lived and became a hunter, because the shows need a female character who doesn't die.
Author's Note: I wanted to write a Fem!Dean (Deanna) fic set during the season five episode, "The End" but my friend dared me to write it with a shit ton of 'buts', 'ands, and 'becauses'. I thought it was a good challenge
For more of my Fics go to AO3 under the username Elivira!
The end of the world is a horrible place and Deanna thinks about screaming 'Yes' to the sky one last time but doesn't because she knows that the angels have long stopped listening, because she hasn't seen Zachariah since they packed up their bags and left.
She has the Colt tucked into the waistband of her jeans and feels kind of badass until she remembers just who she plans to use it on.
She looks at the other Deanna, who, lying unconscious on the ground, looks so young and Deanna can't help but hate this version of herself; because it's her fault that this future exists, because she still has hope, because she has a chance and most of all because she hasn't lost Sam, because Deanna hasn't talked to her brother in five years and Sam said 'Yes'. And Deanna doesn't know why, or how, Sam could possibly could have thought that was a good idea.
She thought that they had made promises to each other because if neither of them said 'Yes', then they could come up with some crazy plan to stop the apocalypse, because they've always come up with something.
In the end they both broke their promises, because Deanna has yelled 'Yes' to the sky until her throat is hoarse and there is no one there because Sam said 'Yes' in Detroit, God damn Detroit, and she wasn't there to stop him.
Deanna thinks that this version of herself would never understand this last try, because she doesn't know how horrendous this future truly is.
It all goes back to Detroit and Deanna can't help but hate her brother a little, because she still doesn't know why he fucking said 'Yes' to Lucifer. She's here to kill him and has to remind herself time after time that it isn't Sam, not anymore. If she thinks like that she won't be able to do what needs to be done, because God damn it, her brother is dead, the alternative is unthinkable, and it's all her fucking fault.
One moment she's shooting him, Lucifer, not Sam, in the back of the head and then he's turning around and fuck it if the Colt didn't work.
It's Sam's face that looks at her but Lucifer's cruel smile makes her want to vomit, because it is Lucifer standing in front of her, clean and fresh in a white suit and Deanna had once imagined Sam wearing a white suit to her wedding, before all this shit happened, before Sam had said 'Yes'. She thinks Lucifer might have done it on purpose because he looks at her with Sam's eyes and there's a glint in them that makes her skin crawl.
Sam looks just the same as when she last saw him and it's strange because Deanna feels like she has aged so much in the last five years. It's not Sam though, she reminds herself and knows that she'll have to do it again because God damn it, it looks so much like Sam. But it's not her brother, it's the devil and it's her fault that he's free, because angels are dicks and she broke the first seal. Then she wants to take back that last thought because Cas isn't a dick and he was an angel once, but maybe that's the answer right there. Then she thinks about Cas, who is probably dead, and has to blink back tears.
Lucifer is looking at her with inhuman eyes, and she wants to run away because she thought that about Sam.
"Deanna," Lucifer says, his voice so like Sam's but totally different at the same time, and then he's in front of her, so close that she can smell ozone, and Grace, and power and she remembers that he used to be an angel. She suddenly wants to hug him because that used to be her little brother, "That wasn't polite."
"Bastard." She spits because she's so stunned that the Colt didn't work and can't think of another insult, because she's staring down the devil, who she just shot in the back of the head, and he didn't fucking die, because she was wrong and Cas was wrong and fucking Crowley was wrong, and the Colt didn't fucking work.
He's going to kill her, she knows and she tries to fight but the last thing she sees, is her other self's face, because Lucifer snaps her neck with his foot and she knows he only kept her alive this long because he thinks she's amusing.
Deanna looks around the ruined city and the word CROATOAN scrawled in red paint on the side of a broken building and curses her fucked up life, because this kind of thing doesn't happen to normal people, but then again she had given up on being normal a long time ago.
The next thing she knows she's killing a child and running for her life because obviously the Croatoan virus is Lucifer's end game and she wants to wring Zachariah's neck because angels are dicks, and she's running from zombies because the Impala is junk and it's 2014 and she's handcuffed to a ladder.
She stares at herself, sitting in a chair, cleaning a gun and she thinks it is her because it can't be anyone else. It is so fucked up that Deanna wants to pretend that she is still unconscious because being awake means having to talk to the woman sitting in front of her and Deanna doesn't want to know where her choices have taken her. She just told Sam that they were better off not hunting together.
And then they're talking and it's surreal because she's having a conversation with herself but it's not her and time travel is confusing and angels are dicks.
"Look,—I'm no shapeshifter or demon or anything, okay?"
"Yeah, I know. I did the drill while you were out. Silver, salt, holy water—nothing. But you know what was funny? Was that you had every hidden lockpick, box cutter, and switchblade that I carry. Now, you want to explain that? Oh, and the, uh, resemblance, while you're at it?"
The resemblance is there, obviously, because they are the same person, but Deanna can see changes, scars that she doesn't have, light crow's feet around her eyes, because she's five years in the future and this version of herself has gone through hell and she wonders where Sam is.
She says "Zachariah." as if it explains everything and it must because the other Deanna believes her. And then the other Deanna, damn this is confusing, says Sam is dead, but isn't sure because she hasn't talked to him in five years.
And the other her is gone and Deanna is getting slapped for sleeping with women she hasn't slept with yet and she kind of wants to punch Cas in the face because Cas is stoned and about to have an orgy and this is so wrong because the Cas she knows is an angel and so full of righteousness and Grace that it hurts to see him like this. Cas can't send her back because he's lost his Grace and angels have left earth to Lucifer's mercy.
She has to leave because she can't stand to see Castiel like this and she swears that this won't happen again because he is, oh, so broken and she wants to cry.
She sees herself shooting a man in cold blood, but it's not her, at least not yet and if she has anything to say about it it will never be her. Sure maybe he was infected but she doesn't want to become the kind of person who does that and she's being told off by herself except it's not her because it can't be. The future is fucked up and angels are dicks.
Deanna sees the Colt and the other Deanna says she's going to kill the devil and she's torturing again and Deanna pretends doesn't care but she does not just because she tortured souls in hell for ten years and started the apocalypse but that she kind of enjoyed it.
Cas is laughing, which is wrong because her Cas is so solemn and this Cas is so full of sarcastic words and she wants to scream that he used to be an angel. Cas follows her other self without really questioning and she wants to cry because the other her can't see how much he loves her.
She expects the other her to leave her behind but her future self wants her to see their brother, but wasn't Sam dead?
"Sam didn't die in Detroit. He said 'Yes'. That's right, the big 'Yes'. To the devil. Lucifer's wearin' him to the the prom." The other her tries to pretend she doesn't care but Deanna looks at that face in the mirror every day and knows better than to believe it.
It can't be true, because Sam wouldn't do that, wouldn't do that to her, because they promised one another. And the other Deanna tells her to say 'Yes' to Michael and Chuck, the prophet, tells her the horde toilet paper but all Deanna can think about is that Sam said 'Yes' and this Deanna, her future self, hasn't talked to Sam in five years.
Cas offers her amphetamines and they are going on a mission to kill the devil and he's high and mortal because the other angels have left. When he broke his foot he couldn't move for two months and Deanna can't imagine that because when she first met him, she shot him, stabbed him and he didn't even flinch, just kept walking towards her, all heavenly conviction and "God has plans for you." But this Cas has lost God and lost his Grace because he chose to stay with Deanna and she knows it hasn't happened for her yet and she's going to stop it. Because she loves him and always has.
The future her is lying and Deanna knows, but doesn't want to believe, because she would never do this. But she is, she is sacrificing people and she's blaming Deanna, and says that sacrificing her friends is the only way and then Deanna gets slugged in the head by herself and that is just weird.
She wakes up in time to see Sam, no not Sam, Lucifer. God it's Lucifer and he breaks the other Deanna's neck and God, why did Sam say 'Yes'?
"Oh. Hello Deanna. Aren't you a surprise."
And he's behind her and she spins around and this is so wrong because Sam said 'Yes' and Lucifer says it would be redundant to kill her. And he's apologetic and so sweet that her teeth want to rot and he talks about love and how much he loved God, but she isn't fooled because he's a monster and he looks just like her little brother, because he's fucking wearing her little brother, because Sam fucking said 'Yes'.
"You better kill me now. Or I swear I will find a way to kill you. And I won't stop."
"I know you won't. I know you won't say 'Yes' to Michael either. And I know you won't kill Sam. Whatever you do, you will always end up here. Whatever choices you make, whatever details alter, who always end up – here. I win. So, I win."
And then Lucifer is gone and Zachariah is there and Deanna is back home, 2009. But she won't say 'Yes', she won't, because there has to be some other way. And the other Deanna, the one from the future, the one who was so broken, had said that she had said the same thing. But Deanna doesn't care because she will find another way.
She thinks Zachariah might kill her but Cas is there and suddenly she's on the side of a road. Deanna's getting tired of angels zapping her places without warning but it's okay this time because it's Cas. She hugs him and he doesn't know what to do but she doesn't care because it's Cas and he rests his arms lightly on her back. She breaths in the smell of ozone and Grace and Cas, and she never wants to let go.
"Cas, don't ever change."
She calls Sam the next day, because Zachariah had been trying to convince her to say 'Yes' to Michael but instead he showed her another way out. Because the other Deanna hadn't seen Sam in five years and that is one thing that Deanna can change, because Sam is a damn good hunter and this way this time he won't say 'Yes' because she'll be there.
End... For now...